The Way of Perfection CHAPTER 15 Treats of the great advantage which comes from our not excusing ourselves, even though we find we are unjustly condemned. |
But how disconnectedly I am writing!
I am just like a person
who does not know what she is doing.
It is your fault, sisters,
for I am doing this at your command.
Read it
as best you can,
for I am writing it
as best I can,
and, if it is too bad, burn it.
I really need leisure, and,
as you see,
I have so little opportunity for writing
that a week passes
without my putting down a word,
and so I forget
what I have said and
what I am going to say next.
Now what I have just been doing
--namely, excusing myself--
is very bad for me,
and I beg you not to copy it,
for to suffer without making excuses
is a habit
of great perfection, and
very edifying and meritorious; and,
though I often teach you this, and
by God's goodness you practise it,
His Majesty has never granted
this favour to me.
May He be pleased to bestow it on me
before I die.
I am greatly confused
as I begin to urge this virtue upon you,
for I ought myself to have practised
at least something
of what I am recommending you
with regard to it:
but actually I must confess
I have made very little progress.
I never seem unable
to find a reason
for thinking I am being virtuous
when I make excuses for myself.
There are times
when this is lawful, and
when not to do it would be wrong,
but I have not the discretion
(or, better, the humility)
to do it only when fitting.
For, indeed, it takes great humility
to find oneself unjustly condemned
and be silent,
and to do this is to imitate the Lord
Who set us free from all our sins.
I beg you, then, to study earnestly
to do so, for it brings great gain;
whereas I can see no gain
in our trying to free ourselves from blame:
none whatever
--save, as I say, in a few cases
where hiding the truth
might cause offence or scandal.
Anyone will understand this
who has more discretion than I.
I think it is very important
to accustom oneself
to practise this virtue and
to endeavour to obtain from the Lord
the true humility
which must result from it.
The truly humble person
will have a genuine desire to be
thought little of, and
persecuted, and
condemned unjustly,
even in serious matters.
For, if she desires to imitate the Lord,
how can she do so better than in this?
And no bodily strength is necessary here,
nor the aid of anyone save God.
These are great virtues, my sisters,
and I should like us
to study them closely, and
to make them our penance.
As you know, I deprecate
[other severe and] excessive penances,
which, if practised indiscreetly,
may injure the health.
Here, however, there is no cause for fear;
for, however great
the interior virtues may be,
they do not weaken the body
so that it cannot serve the Order,
while at the same time
they strengthen the soul; and,
furthermore, they can be applied
to very little things, and
thus, as I have said on other occasions,
they accustom one to gain great victories
in very important matters.
I have not, however, been able
to test this particular thing myself,
for I never heard anything bad said of me
which I did not clearly realize
fell short of the truth.
If I had not sometimes--often, indeed--
offended God in the ways
they referred to,
I had done so in many others,
and I felt they had treated me
far too indulgently
in saying nothing about these:
I much preferred people
to blame me for what was not true
than to tell the truth about me.
For I disliked hearing things
that were true said about me,
whereas these other things,
however serious they were,
I did not mind at all.
In small matters
I followed my own inclinations,
and I still do so,
without paying any affection
to what is most perfect.
So I should like you to begin
to realize this at an early stage,
and I want each of you to ponder
how much there is to be gained
in every way by this virtue, and
how, so far as I can see,
there is nothing to be lost by it.
The chief thing we gain
is being able,
is being able,
in some degree,
to follow the Lord.
to follow the Lord.
It is a great help
to meditate upon the great gain
which in any case
this is bound to bring us, and
to realize how, properly speaking,
we can never be blamed unjustly,
since we are always full of faults,
and a just man falls seven times a day, [44]
so that it would be a falsehood for us
to say we have no sin.
If, then, we are not to blame
for the thing that we are accused of,
we are never wholly without blame
in the way that our good Jesus was.
Oh, my Lord!
When I think
in how many ways Thou didst suffer, and
in all of them undeservedly,
I know not
what to say for myself, or
what I can have been thinking about
when I desired not to suffer, or
what I am doing
when I make excuses for myself.
Thou knowest, my Good,
that if there is anything good in me
it comes from no other hands
than Thine own.
For what is it to Thee, Lord,
to give much instead of little?
True, I do not deserve it,
but neither have I deserved the favours
which Thou hast shown me already.
Can it be
that I should wish a thing so evil
as myself
to be thought well of
to be thought well of
by anyone,
when they have said
such wicked things of Thee,
Who art good above all other good?
It is intolerable, my God, it is intolerable;
nor would I
that Thou shouldst have to tolerate
anything displeasing in Thine eyes
being found in Thy handmaiden.
For see, Lord, mine eyes are blind
and very little pleases them.
Do Thou
give me light and
make me truly to desire
that all should hate me,
since I have so often left Thee,
Who hast loved me with such faithfulness.
What is this, my God?
What advantage do we think to gain
from giving pleasure to creatures?
What does it matter to us
if we are blamed by them all,
provided we are without blame
in the sight of the Lord?
Oh, my sisters
we shall never succeed
in understanding this truth and
we shall never attain perfection
unless we think and meditate
upon what is real and
upon what is not.
If there were no other gain
than the confusion
which will be felt by the person
who has blamed you
when she sees
that you have allowed yourselves
to be condemned unjustly,
that would be a very great thing.
Such an experience uplifts the soul
more than ten sermons.
And we must all try to be preachers
by our deeds,
since both
the Apostle and
our own lack of ability
forbid us to be preachers in word.
Never suppose that
either the evil
or the good
that you do,
will remain secret,
however strict may be your enclosure.
Do you suppose, daughter, that,
if you do not make excuses for yourself,
there will not be someone else
who will defend you?
Remember how the Lord
took the Magdalen's part
in the Pharisee's house
and also when her sister blamed her.
He will not treat you as rigorously
as He treated Himself:
it was not until He was on the Cross
that He had even a thief to defend Him.
His Majesty, then, will put it
into somebody's mind
to defend you;
if He does not,
it will be because there is no need.
This I have myself seen,
and it is a fact,
although I should not like you
to think too much of it,
but rather to be glad when you are blamed,
and in due time
you will see what profit
you experience in your souls.
For it is in this way
that you will begin to gain freedom;
soon you will not care
if they speak ill or well of you;
it will seem like someone else's business.
It will be as if
two persons are talking in your presence
and you are quite uninterested
in what they are saying
because you are not actually being addressed
by them.
So here:
it becomes such a habit with us
not to reply
that it seems as if they are not addressing us
at all.
This may seem impossible to those of us
who are
very sensitive and
not capable of great mortification.
It is indeed difficult at first,
but I know that, with the Lord's help,
the gradual attainment
of this freedom, and
of renunciation and self-detachment,
is quite possible.
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Foot Notes: [44] Proverbs xxiv, 16. For a just man shall fall seven times and shall rise again: but the wicked shall fall down into evil. |
End of Chapter 15 |
